Song: Never Heard
Artist: New Medicine
Album: Race You to the Bottom
Plays: 20

The party didn’t go as planned. 

There were familiar faces, there were drinks. But I never got to find out what exactly Bronvys had said that Braeden threw such a fit about.

Instead I was danced and talked, watching the others frolic while I tried to wrap my head around a question I was asked and the answer I gave without thinking. 

The whole thing should be blamed on alcohol. It’s been entirely too long since I’ve indulged to be held accountable for anything that came out of my mouth.

But I know that’s a kodo-shit excuse because I didn’t breathe a word of it to Melada when we retreated to the lounge for a more relaxed environment. We talked for a while, about love and loss, mostly. I was incredibly lost then and I wish I could have told her. Maybe she could’ve told me it was a joke and not to read so much into it.

I liked the way her arm felt around my shoulders though. It was nice to be touched like that, familiar and close. I leaned down and kissed one of the tattoos I’d given her of a note from an old lover. 

Light I wish I could have just told her what was on my mind. I do trust her, I would tell Melada anything, because I don’t feel like she would judge me. But I could not, it wasn’t only my secret. Or was it? I was the only one that confessed anything damaging. Maybe I could have told her, and things wouldn’t have changed as much as I thought. Instead, the conversation wandered to Any and the baby. One of which should be long-forgotten now. I wish I could forget. 

It still hurts, nearly every day. I haven’t forgotten at all. It’s there, under the stress from Emmeleine, under the everyday thoughts and activities, under the desire to go back to my life as it was, and under the fracture I feel between myself and Braeden.

Or maybe it’s the reason. 

I promised it wouldn’t be, I promised, when he came back from Uldum that it was done, he was put to rest and nothing more than a memory. I never told him about Keleros, but I didn’t need to because that encounter taught me something important- that he was really gone and no matter how much Keleros or I tried to pretend that he could fill that space, he can’t.

No one can. I guess that’s the problem. Maybe that’s always been the problem.

But Braeden doesn’t have to hear that. He doesn’t have to hear how haunted I still am, doesn’t have to hear about the mistake I made while he was recovering and writing to me every day in Uldum and he does not ever, have to hear about the conversation from tonight.

I didn’t care what Braeden had to say about it, I was going to this Ravenwood party one way or another. If he was against it, if he was so sure Bronvys had been intentionally talking poorly of our family and would rather sulk at home about it, than come along? So be it.
It’s not like it was a surprise we were arguing about Bronvys again. I swear it is never-ending with those two and I never have understood why.
It had been too long, since I’d been out, since I’d dressed up. I made sure Emmeleine was fed and then finished getting dressed.
I was going to find out if there was any truth to what Braeden insisted had been said, but more importantly I was determined to have a good time, clear my head a bit, with familiar faces and maybe, finally a drink.

I didn’t care what Braeden had to say about it, I was going to this Ravenwood party one way or another. If he was against it, if he was so sure Bronvys had been intentionally talking poorly of our family and would rather sulk at home about it, than come along? So be it.

It’s not like it was a surprise we were arguing about Bronvys again. I swear it is never-ending with those two and I never have understood why.

It had been too long, since I’d been out, since I’d dressed up. I made sure Emmeleine was fed and then finished getting dressed.

I was going to find out if there was any truth to what Braeden insisted had been said, but more importantly I was determined to have a good time, clear my head a bit, with familiar faces and maybe, finally a drink.

I knew it was coming. I had known, since I realized I was carrying another child. It was my worst fear. At times, throughout the pregnancy, it was all I thought about. I was consumed for whole days with the terror of not loving Seedling once she was born.

How it happened was a surprise to me though.

I woke in the hills, overlooking the sea with Braeden shaking me. His face was draw, worried from what I could see. My vision was blurry. He held up my hands and they were bloodied and bruised. He touched my face and it stung and I was so confused. 

What happened? I tried to ask but the words wouldn’t come, none would. I just stared at Braeden as he sat me up. He asked so many times if I was alright and even if I knew the answer I wouldn’t have been able to express it. All I could do was stare. 

He moved, pushing me up to sit up and settled next to me. I saw my knees were scraped the same as my hands, bloody and dirty. He was crying, I think. It was getting dark out, I could barely see the ocean but we were closer to it than I thought was normal.

Braeden said something about Sevenn, that she had Emmeleine and that they were both ok. I nodded, I think, though I’m not sure why they wouldn’t have been. He put an arm around me, under mine to lift me up. It was hard, walking, one of my ankles refused to hold me up.

When we got home, he took me to the washroom attached to our bedroom, the one with the peacock window. Sitting on the edge of the tub while he undressed me, I found out the clothes were just as ragged as my hands and knees were, and that I’d hardly been wearing anything. It looked like just a light shirt and shorts, something I slept in.

He started explaining then, while the water was running about how he came home and couldn’t find me. How Sevenn had been hysterical, Emmeleine screaming as well. He said he searched the house for me, but that didn’t make sense, I hadn’t been in the house. That’s when I think it started to come together for me- how things had come unraveled.

All Sevenn knew was that she’d come to talk to me about lunch, in the sitting room where I’d been drawing with Emmeleine on the sofa with me, and I wasn’t there. The baby, left alone had rolled onto the floor and was crying. As Braeden told me that part, I remembered. She started crying, while I was drawing. I just wanted her to stop, to be quiet and she wouldn’t.

So I left. 

I took the sketchbook, and something to draw with and left.

How could I tell him that? How could I explain that in such a way, that it would be ok, that I left our child alone because I wanted quiet. 

The water stung my hands, knees, and feet. Braeden continued to wash and tell his tale of what had happened, though I was remembering the rest myself as well. He looked for me as soon as he returned, he searched the garden and the bench as well, not a trace of me. 

That was because I hadn’t gone to those places. I passed by them, but I wanted solitude, I think. I wanted to be completely alone with no sound. I went through the woods, trying to find a quiet spot. What I finally found was a small outcropping in the hills above the sea. It wasn’t as stable as I’d hoped. Loose rocks, nothing to catch myself with.

Braeden said it was a pretty far fall down some rocky terrain in the hills by the sea. He said I was lucky I wasn’t hurt more. He asked again if I was ok, he asked what happened. 

Even if I had the words for it, I didn’t think I could say them.

In spite of everything, the thoughts and feelings that consumed me then were for his touch. As he rinsed my skin, I tried to catch his hand, press it to my chest. When he moved to swish the water near my legs, I urged his hand to my thigh. I  implored him with my eyes but Braeden didn’t respond. I didn’t know what to say. Still didn’t, I suppose.

He dried me off, dressed me even, in soft familiar clothes and then lead me to the bedroom. She was in there, they were, actually. Sevenn and Emmeleine. 

How long was he in here with them, before he went looking? There’s no way to prove anything, one way or the other. I knew it was a stupid thought but it was there all the same. I knew he searched all afternoon and into the evening until he found me, I knew he would never…

Sevenn smiled, she looked relieved and said she was glad I was alright.

I’m not alright, inside or outside but I nodded at her. She handed over Emmeleine and headed for her room. The baby was still fussing, probably hungry. I didn’t want to hold her, I wanted to put her back in the crib and leave again. But instead, I held her up, pressed to my chest. Braeden was here, he’d never let me leave if I saw me try it.

We were silent, while she fed. Braeden just watched us anxiously. When it seemed Emmeliene had enough, he scooped her up and took her to the other room to sleep.

My head throbbed and I just wanted to sleep then, to forget all of it. Braeden returned and rubbed idly at my back. He said he was worried about me. He said he was worried about a lot of things. In particular, he’d been told Bronvys said something along the lines of “Fuck the Sunstorms” recently. He said things seemed to be a mess.

But he was gentle with me, and tried to make it easier. I should feel lucky.

I nodded. I am a mess and I have no idea what to do about it.

Sketching always helps clear my mind. The last few times when I sat down to try and work on something, Emmeleine, or well, Seedling, was all I could think about it. I guess that’s my mind most of the time lately.
But I was thinking about some of the conversations with Braeden about how she would grow up, what she would be like. She became a bouquet of possibilities, all sorts of flowers. Pretty primroses, peaceblooms, poppies. She could grow into anything, her future is a blank slate.
I made a few other versions of the same drawing and got to thinking about how it just might make a good tattoo. I even have someone I trust to do it for me…

Sketching always helps clear my mind. The last few times when I sat down to try and work on something, Emmeleine, or well, Seedling, was all I could think about it. I guess that’s my mind most of the time lately.

But I was thinking about some of the conversations with Braeden about how she would grow up, what she would be like. She became a bouquet of possibilities, all sorts of flowers. Pretty primroses, peaceblooms, poppies. She could grow into anything, her future is a blank slate.

I made a few other versions of the same drawing and got to thinking about how it just might make a good tattoo. I even have someone I trust to do it for me…

halanth:

And then, on yet another random different day, they would come to find Warmonger dressed as Nemeore.How was Hal even getting on the property?

halanth:

And then, on yet another random different day, they would come to find Warmonger dressed as Nemeore.

How was Hal even getting on the property?

Now that Emmeleine sleeps a bit more, I can do a few other things besides just get in a tiny nap. I was not as flexible and fit as I was, with all the toning and training and practical application before she started growing a lot.
But doing my best to keep at it throughout meant I hadn’t lost all muscle and flexibility. It was easy, to get back into it and extremely soothing.

Now that Emmeleine sleeps a bit more, I can do a few other things besides just get in a tiny nap. I was not as flexible and fit as I was, with all the toning and training and practical application before she started growing a lot.

But doing my best to keep at it throughout meant I hadn’t lost all muscle and flexibility. It was easy, to get back into it and extremely soothing.

TAGS:  #Chaszmyre #Monklife 
Do you know that feeling, when you wake up somewhere and nothing looks familiar? That panic, of Where am I? And, How did I get here?
Some days, I wake up and look at the scene in front of me, the first thing I see and I don’t recognize it. Well, there’s Warmonger, but whose baby is that? Why is it on my arm. And who is that man? What am I doing in his bed- 
What did I do?
How did I get here?
It takes a while for it to set in. That’s my baby. Our, baby, actually. That’s why he’s in the bed, I married him, for her. That’s what I did. That’s how I got here.
The rest sets in before long- if I’m awake, she will be at any moment and it will be time to feed her and hopefully, that will be it. Hopefully there won’t be any other crying because there is a limited number of solutions and so often, none of them seem to work.
Some things, that should be there, I think, don’t set in though. I am not relieved, when I figure out where I am, and how I got there. I am not happy to see these other elves in bed here. Even when I understand my surroundings, I’m still afraid.

Do you know that feeling, when you wake up somewhere and nothing looks familiar? That panic, of Where am I? And, How did I get here?

Some days, I wake up and look at the scene in front of me, the first thing I see and I don’t recognize it. Well, there’s Warmonger, but whose baby is that? Why is it on my arm. And who is that man? What am I doing in his bed- 

What did I do?

How did I get here?

It takes a while for it to set in. That’s my baby. Our, baby, actually. That’s why he’s in the bed, I married him, for her. That’s what I did. That’s how I got here.

The rest sets in before long- if I’m awake, she will be at any moment and it will be time to feed her and hopefully, that will be it. Hopefully there won’t be any other crying because there is a limited number of solutions and so often, none of them seem to work.

Some things, that should be there, I think, don’t set in though. I am not relieved, when I figure out where I am, and how I got there. I am not happy to see these other elves in bed here. Even when I understand my surroundings, I’m still afraid.

Dill, Rose(orange), Sycamore, Tuberose
zaelarin

"That’s quite a bouquet you’ve got there. I don’t know if I have a vase big enough for all that."